How To Make A Jailhouse Burrito

I read a book where the main character, a prisoner in a correctional facility, had a girlfriend who "cooked" her dinner each night. One of the things she talked about eating was her girl's burritos, which were apparently the best out of any in the prison. But I always envisioned them as, you know, real burritos. Then I found a YouTube video that explained the real ins and outs of prison burritos, also known as a Dorito Burrito.
For this recipe, I chose the following:

1 large bag of Doritos (I actually mixed half a bag of spicy nacho & half a bag of buffalo)

1 bag of ramen noodles – no seasoning

1/2 bag of flaming hot Cheetos, simply because I enjoy them.

We also used some Slim Jims, because while meat is optional, people enjoy putting it in there.

The first thing I did was crush the ramen and chips. I punked out and used my Cuisinart, though real prisoners step on the bags for ages until all is powder.

Then, I added the powdered remains back to the bag, and added about 2ish cups of very hot, but not boiling, water.

I then chopped and added beef sticks to the bag, and mushed everything up, "burping the bag" to let the air out, as my YouTube instructor A1 Yola suggests.

Then, we re-wrapped the burrito in the Doritos bag, using its natural contours to shape it into a burrito-y shape just as A1 Yola showed us.

Another YouTube expert, Adam Mattison, recommended wrapping the burrito in a towel to seal in the heat. I used an oven mitt and let it stay undisturbed for about 30 mins.

I would like to say that A1 Yola seemed a lot more passionate about the burrito making. Adam was kind of snobby about it, saying he'd likely not want to eat it. (Why cook something that you're just gonna waste?) Still, both dudes gave us some good tips.

Keeping the burrito in a towel or under a mattress can seal in the heat and allow it to cook better. The oven mitt worked well.

Then, it was ready to unwrap!

Here is the finished product:

I guess it turned a much brighter shade due to the buffalo Doritos and the hot Cheetos. There were still bits of ramen in it that were not fully pulverized. But that was my choice as the one cooking it; I wanted to attempt a more authentic, rustic feel.

I think the ramen is meant to simulate rice. Some folks don't use ramen at all. I may try it without next time.

One thing I will say is that I think I'd prefer it sans beef stick. I didn't like the chewy bits — it also made the burrito more greasy. Best to serve them on the side, or maybe as an appetizer.

By the way, my estimation is that this burrito is approximately 2500-3000 calories, setting it firmly in my "evil recipe" category. If you make it, share with a friend or two!

A1 Yola & IBallz's version with ramen can be found here. You can see Adam's burrito (beef sticks but no ramen variation) in this video.

The final verdict? I might actually try to make this again with less greasy ingredients, and try a healthier version. Something tells me the Cheetos played a big part in the grease as well. (Now if I can get baked Doritos that would be great!) I kind of liked the ramen, but wouldn't mind trying it without just to see what it's like. This is, after all, technically more of a tamale than a burrito. Also, I might go even crazier since I'm on the outside… Prisoners don't get many healthy options, so they've gotta work with what they can get. Maybe I could add some salsa or real cheese to it. Won't be an authentic jailhouse burrito that way, but I bet it could be pretty tasty! ❤️